Postum Cafe

I suspect there are a few things that will happen to families during this quarantine.  Some will simply isolate.  The children will hang out in their rooms.  Mom and dad will kill time by watching TV, reading or surfing the web.  The second possibility is that families will fight more.  Cabin fever will run too high.  They will get too irritated and start nit-picking at each other.  We may see a spike in divorces when this comes to an end.  The third possibility is that families will develop stronger bonds.  We will probably even see a little baby boom starting in about nine months and perhaps lasting longer than we suspect.

Let’s first talk about the isolators – those staying in their rooms.  This may be rather common given that schools have gone online and many people are working from home.  This puts individuals in their bedrooms or private spaces with a computer and it is easy just to stay there.  One way to get the family together is meal time.  One option is to make it nice.  Without a daily commute, many people working from home will have more time.  Use the China and nice silverware.  Put the refreshments in a pitcher, use the butter dish and sugar bowl.  Set the table nice.  Create a topic of discussion for the dinner. It may start out a little stiff at first but give it a chance and let things develop.  Table games are another way to promote interaction and avoid boredom that leads to cabin fever.  Table games are much better than video games or movies.  They require face-to-face interaction which teaches how to read body language and improves social skills.  Table games are known to deepen interpersonal relationships and develop trust.

Now let’s consider those prone to getting irritable.  Illness and lack of sleep are both known causes of irritability.  If someone gets sick, the rest of the family needs to be super understanding and patient with them.  Everyone should try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night.  If someone is sick, they should be getting more.  Tending to a sick person can be bonding.  So this can turn the irritability challenge on its head. Instead of getting upset with someone who is sick, try to go above and beyond to be nice and put up with their bad attitude.  Avoid caffeine.  Caffeine is known to make people more irritable.  Instead of drinking caffeine, try to find some quiet time to read a book, listen to music, mediate or exercise.  If you feel yourself getting upset, count to ten and step out of the room to cool down.  Talk to other members of the family and agree to a sign.  If someone feels that things are getting too tense, giving the sign (like holding up two fingers) is a plea to take a cool-down break. Instead of lashing out and reacting to something that is perceived to be inappropriate, one can simply give the sign and let things cool down.

The third option is the most attractive.  An article published by the British Psychological Society in 2015 discussed research that had shown “strong social bonds can act as a beneficial psychological resource, especially in times of need.” The coronavirus quarantine is a time when these family bonds can be beneficial in reducing the anxiety that many people are feeling.  Family activities are not simply limited to eating and playing games together.  Cooking the meal is an interactive and enjoyable experience that families miss out on when they go to a restaurant.  Finding recipes online, getting ingredients out of the cabinets, mixing, measuring and experimenting is all part of cooking and baking that provides bonding for family members.  Interactive reading is also a bonding activity.  The family can sit together around the table or in the living room and read outload from a book.  Each member reads a page and passes it to the next family member.  Those that are religious may read passages from the Bible and even pause to discuss them.  Interactive prayer is also done as a group.  This involves members either kneeling together or sitting in a circle and holding hands while each one takes a turn saying a short prayer outload.  For many families, this quarantine maybe a blessing in disguise that strengthens bonds that will last for years.  Fifty years from now some siblings may find themselves together at Christmas or Thanksgiving, remembering back to this time and the love they felt at home.

     I recall listening to a sermon in a Spanish-speaking church while in college in which the pastor cautioned married couples to avoid watching pornography together.  This was in the 1990s.  The internet had just been invented which allowed pornography to be easily accessible without going into an adult bookstore.  In the years that followed, pornography producers started marketing “instructional” videos targeting married couples.  Curiosity, and believing that such videos are harmless, has resulted in many Christian couples viewing these together.  Was the Spanish-speaking pastor right to warn couples against this or are these videos a harmless way to enhance the sexual life of a married couple?  How does pornography impact a marriage?

     Aaron Frutos and Ray Merrill published a scientific article in Sexuality and Culture in 2017 that “In a study of 1,291 unmarried individuals in romantic relationships, couples that never viewed pornography had higher relationship quality than those that viewed pornography alone. Those who viewed pornography together had a higher level of dedication and sexual satisfaction than those who viewed pornography separately. Those who viewed pornography together compared with those who never viewed it differed only in that never viewers had lower rates of infidelity.” [emphasis added]  This study shows something alarming for couples that view pornography together.  When viewed together, the pornography does not diminish the marital quality.  Couples that viewed pornography together enjoyed the same quality relationship level as couples which neither partner ever viewed pornography at all but the difference was that infidelity was higher with those couples watching pornography together.  The pornography did not seem to damage the relationship on the surface so there were no red flags to alert the couple of a coming crisis.  Yet it led to infidelity of at least one of the partners.

     Samuel Perry published a scientific article on pornography and marriage in a 2018 issue of the scientific journal Personal Relationships. He wrote, “While there is general consensus that pornography use — as it is most commonly practiced — tends to be negatively correlated with relationship quality, there is far less consensus regarding the primary mechanisms at work in this association. The most popular theory suggests that viewing pornography can influence relationship quality by shaping viewers’ ‘sexual scripts’ about sexual relationships, intimacy, and body image. To the extent that viewers internalize these scripts or messages, they may be less satisfied with their actual romantic relationships in terms of sexual quality and/or physical appearance…

     These authors theorize that for Americans embedded in moral communities that oppose pornography use, viewing pornography has greater ‘psychic costs’ and thus affects the religious more strongly… Snawder (2017) also demonstrated that the negative associations between pornography use and measures of parent–child relationship quality were stronger for more frequent worship attendees. This latter finding suggests that parental distress or withdrawal due to moral incongruence is the more likely factor… What their findings imply is that Americans who violate their own moral convictions by using pornography are more likely to experience moral incongruence, which may lead them to withdraw from intimate relationships or otherwise be less invested…

     Viewing pornography at all predicts lower levels of marital quality over time and this relation is not significantly moderated by whether married Americans are violating their moral views by using it. This would suggest that the primary issue is not whether pornography users are experiencing moral incongruence thereby negatively affecting their marriage, but the other factors that are attendant to pornography use that could include negatively influencing viewers’ sexual scripts or creating tension in the relationship around one partner’s private pornography use…  It was not possible [in this study] to see whether married participants were viewing pornography alone or with their partner… The moderating effect of moral incongruence would likely look different (or be nonexistent) among couples who view sexually explicit material together as opposed to one partner viewing it alone.” [emphasis added]

     The study done by Frutos and Merrill found that couples viewing pornography together did not diminish marital quality.  However it did not look at the role moral convictions may play.  Perry’s study focused on the role moral convictions play but did not look at couples viewing pornography together.  Many couples using pornography together do not perceive any harm from it.  In the short-term, it provides a little spark which they perceive as a benefit, thus they continue to use it. However given the information we have from the scientific studies, the perceived benefit is simply an illusion.  It is also possible that while one spouse feels a benefit, the other feels a diminished quality in the marriage due to moral incongruence.

     One point that is noteworthy is that no studies have ever shown that pornography enhances a relationship long term.  In 2013 Spencer B. Olmstead released a scientific article that reported over 70% of men and 45% of women in college said they would watch pornography with their partner. Only 22% of men and 26% of women felt pornography had no place in a relationship.  In a scientific article published by Amanda Maddox in 2011 she reported nearly 45% of couples claimed to view pornography together.  She “found that people who didn’t view any porn had lower levels of negative communication, were more committed to the relationship, and had higher sexual satisfaction and relationship adjustment. Their rate of infidelity was at least half of those who had watched sexual material alone and with their partners. But people who only watched porn with their partners were more dedicated to the relationship and more sexually satisfied than those who watched alone.”  Couples watching porn together is common and not as harmful as when just one of the spouses watches it alone by him or herself.  However no study has shown a long-term benefit to the relationship. The preacher was right.  Couples should avoid pornography completely.

As a Christian, I have always heard of the benefit of meditating on God’s Word. This is an active meditation that includes contemplation of the Scriptures and prayer. I have also been warned about the dangers of Eastern meditation, which is basically am emptying of the mind, a turning off of the thoughts, and is considered a form of self hypnosis, and therefore dangerous for a Christian to engage in.

However, there is a third form of meditation, often called mindfulness. As I understand it, it is mindfully focusing on one thing at a time, as opposed to multitasking. Perhaps that is eating a meal, exercising (it’s hard to think of anything else while exercising, unless the intensity is extremely low), or just about any task. This could include deep breathing exercises, listening to music, etc.

So I have heard well-meaning Christians shying away from mindfulness because they think it is a form of Eastern meditation. However, I am beginning to think that this is a misconception. First, it is based on the understanding that Eastern Meditation also focuses on the breath. However, even the most adamant opponents of EM would agree that daily deep breathing exercises are a good daily practice. The difference is that one is done with the intention of clearing the thoughts, while the other is done with the intention of breathing deep. I would challenge you to try to do deep breathing exercises while doing anything else that requires any kind of focus (reading, cooking, etc). You can’t do it. As soon as you begin to focus on the other task, your breath returns to normal.

And what is wrong with focusing on one thing at a time? Nothing. Multitasking is overrated. Eating mindfully would be focusing on the food and flavors and the sensation of fullness or hunger. Nothing wrong with this. In fact, far from clearing the mind, of being thought-less, it is thought-full, actively engaging the frontal lobe and critical thinking skills (Do I need more? Have I had enough?). I would just call this mindfulness, not meditation, but some people like the word meditation (usually not the conservative Christians I’ve referred to).

The point of all this is that if you are inclined to avoid something because of the label it is given, because the label is similar to something you know to be dangerous, make sure you’re judging the thing for its own value and not for the label it has and the ideas you have of the label.

In this definition, all intense exercise is meditative, because there’s hardly any way you can do anything except focus on the exercise. You can’t do math; there’s not enough glucose available. If you try, your intensity will drop. You can’t plan the rest of your day. All you can do is focus on the next rep, the next jump, the next pull, the next step. That’s mindfulness by default; you don’t have a choice. But what if you spent more time being mindful in other areas? How about in spending time with your kids? Mindfulness would be putting the phone down when your kids talk to you. Mindfulness would be playing a game after the chores are done and there’s nothing to distract you. Mindfulness would be family worship with everyone attentive and participating.

Author: Lisa Reynoso

https://www.facebook.com/LisaReynosoBiz/

There is a strange teaching out there that the God of the Old Testament is an angry, critical God while the God of the New Testament is a loving and redeeming God.  Yet in both the Old Testament (Malachi 3:6) and the New Testament (Hebrews 13:8) we find that God does not change but is the same now as He always has been and always will be.

 

The wars of ancient Israel cause many to question how the God of the Old Testament can be considered a loving God.  One must first understand that war was never God’s plan.  God did promise the land of Palestine or present-day Israel to the decedents of Abraham however the fact that many Egyptians left Egypt with the Hebrews (Exodus 12:38) tells us the land was not just for Abraham’s biological decedents but for believers in the true God.  Tales of the Hebrews certainly went before them.  The people of Palestine certainly received the news of the plagues of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea and destruction of the Pharaoh with his army.  Just as Egyptians were welcome to join the Hebrews when they left Egypt, those that inhabited the land of Palestine could embrace the faith of Abraham and make their home with them.  God’s purpose was not to wage war against the inhabitants in military fashion.  God’s plan was to drive them out with hornets (Exodus 23:28)  The reason the Hebrews had to fight military battles to take the land was due to their lack of faith.  When we, as people, doubt God, we often make our battles much more difficult than what God had intended.

A man who apologizes when he is wrong finds it much easier to forgive those who wrong him. Pride prevents many men from seeing their errors. Thus they rarely apologize and struggle to forgive others. So it is that self-righteousness, the same defect of character that prevents a man from seeing his own errors, binds him to the resentments that do not serve him well.

What is happiness?  Really.  Seems everyone wants it but what is it really?  I define it as the absence of negative emotions.  That means if I am not lonely, sad, frustrated, anxious, jealous, angry or afraid than I am happy.  So how does one get there?  Well it seems the people that are most worried about being happy, those out there chasing it and trying to find it are the most miserable people in the world. 

What’s love got to do with it?  The famous singer that survived an abusive, alcoholic marriage has announced in 2013 she was getting married after about 30 years of being single.  Love to her meant pain and enslavement.  But that isn’t love.  That is more like unhealthy co-dependance, infatuation and obsession.  Love gets a bad name because people confuse it with emotions.  Love is a principle, not an emotion.

The opposite of love isn’t hatred – it is selfishness.  Of course selfishness often causes hatred.  A truly loving person is one that is generous, patient, kind, attentive to others, thoughtful, a willful listener, etc.  I have to choose to love someone and when I do that, good feelings follow.  Love doesn’t take me hostage and demand that I engage in a relationship with someone.  Obsession has taken me hostage.   Infatuation and lust have taken me hostage but love has never taken my hostage.  When I approach a relationship for what I can get out of it, that is not love – it is selfishness.  When I love someone, I approach the relationship to see what I can give to it.  It has been said that selfish people love things and use people while loving people use things and love people.  What a contrast!

Love can cause a host of emotions.  It can cause someone to mourn.  We see that at funerals.  It can cause someone to feel disappointment.  Perhaps when someone they love fails at a goal they had worked hard for.  Selfishness can also cause a host of emotions.  It can cause anxiety, anger, jealousy, envy, etc.  We are naturally selfish creatures and it takes a spiritual experience to change that.  God is love and it is through a relationship with God that we can learn to love others.  Loving others becomes a choice we make followed by action. 

As a child I never felt loved.  Yet when I wrote my autobiography I was overwhelmed by how much others in my life loved me.  I realized that there were many family and church members that invested emotionally in me.  I hadn’t seen it as a child because I was so damaged by all the dysfunction in the home but as an adult looking back I was deeply impressed by the love that surrounded me.  I think that a lot of time when we don’t feel loved it has more to do with our own state of mind than those around us.  I have found that as I have chosen to actively love others, I have become more aware of how much others love me.

“Look inside yourself and you will find wisdom,” are words often repeated in movies and some well-intentioned people.  But is there really wisdom inside of us?  Or is the source of wisdom outside of us?  And what is wisdom?  This is a topic the Seventh-day Adventists were studying this first quarter of 2015.  The Biblical meaning of the word wisdom is a spiritual experience with the true God.  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:7).  This spiritual experience cannot come from within us because God created man – not the other way around.  Wisdom, in the Biblical sense, is more than just knowledge.  Wisdom comes as we experience the true God in our lives.  That happens as we trust Him by living obedient lives.  Let’s paraphrase the verse quoted above.  The fear of the Lord, or acceptance of the true God, is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise the spiritual experience (wisdom) gained by following His instruction.

Understanding our roots tends to give us a sense of direction in life, increase our self-esteem and motivate us toward goals.  Many adults find themselves from broken families that do not get along.  Reaching out to aunts, uncles and cousins that were never close is not always welcome.  Many people today have half-siblings they have never met.  Connecting with these relatives can be rewarding when they are receptive.  If they are not receptive, sometimes it just helps to learn about them from information one can gain from relatives or online.

Multiracial people have yet another dynamic.  In addition to establishing relationships with family members, many find themselves trying to define who they are racially and culturally.  For Christians, our first identity should be in Christ.  The Apostle Paul proclaimed their is neither Jew nor Greek if one be in Christ (Gal. 3:28).  While it is healthy to form a cultural identity based on our ancestry, many find their identity as sons of God more important.

I was born in the Midwestern state of Iowa in the United States.  I am from English, Irish and German ancestry but identify more as an American than any of those other nationalities.  In much the same way, I was raised in an Adventist Christian home and I identify more as an Adventist Christian than I do as an American.  When I am traveling in a foreign country, if I come across a group of Americans and a group of Adventists in the airport, I am going to feel more with “my own” sitting and talking with the Adventists than I would with the Americans – regardless where the Adventists are from.

Knowing our roots, where we came from and establishing relationships with our family members is important and has psychological value to it.  However the bonds of faith are likely to be just as important, if not more, than the family and cultural ties that identify who we are.

Sleep deprivation has emotional consequences.  People become more irritable and are also more likely to suffer depression, have a negative attitude and it impacts the way brains function so one becomes more controlled by emotion and less by reason.  There are many helpful tips to increase the quality of sleep.  Getting enough sunlight helps as does exercise as simple as walking for twenty or thirty minutes each day. 

Adults should get between seven and eight hours of sleep.  When this doesn’t happen the lack of sleep can be made up on the weekend or with an afternoon map.  That is recommended.  Those that celebrate the weekly Sabbath might use some hours during the day of rest to catch up on some lost sleep during the week.  If not, the lack of sleep will accumulate over time like a financial debt and cause emotional and other health issues. 

Suffering from occasional insomnia is common especially in adults over forty years old.  Those that have racing thoughts as they are trying to go to sleep may find it helpful to write down all their worries and concerns in a journal before going to bed.  That helps make them more fixed and less likely to take free rein in the mind.  Then they can read a book until they are so tired they must go to sleep.  If the thoughts just will not stop racing, they can try to control the thoughts be telling themselves something about their physical condition and repeating it over and over until they fall asleep.  For example, one might repeat the thought “my head is on my pillow” over and over.  One should not try to make up sleep for insomnia by sleeping in or taking a nap.  Just let the body self-correct.  After the accumulation of so many lost hours, the body will often tire and fall asleep at the regular bedtime again.  Doing aerobic activity two hours before going to bed has helped some fall to sleep faster.

The power nap can be helpful in reducing stress.  Those that get an hour break for lunch may want to consider spending the last fifteen minutes taking a nap.  Good sleep has a strong connection to emotional health.  The old adage says early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.