Postum Cafe

Toxic people can cause anxiety. A toxic person shows one of the following traits excessively. They are negative, pessimistic, cruel, critical, play the victim, gossip, self-absorbed, control freak, dramatic, jealous, judgmental or inconsiderate. They are contagious when others are not aware. The goal in dealing with them is to neutralize them so their bad attitude doesn’t spread.

1. Don’t join their pity party. Limit the amount of time listening to them. Be polite but excuse yourself from the discussion.
2. Decrease interaction with them. A certain level of interaction is required with co-workers yet try to decrease it. Email and texting can be less emotionally draining than in-person or voice communication.
3. Forgive the person. If they have done something offensive, forgive but remember their toxicity. Continue to set boundaries.
4. Don’t feed into gossip. When someone is talking bad, don’t add juicy details. Furthermore, try to act as if you are not interested and have better things to do.
5. Watch your physical health. Limit caffeine and get enough sleep.

Life is often a roller coaster of emotion.  The ups and downs cause many to suffer from anxiety and others depression.  However there are things one can do to level out the ride.  

1. Find time to be alone and meditate.  Yoga and transcendental meditation are not the only ways to meditate.  Reading a daily devotion in the morning or reading from the Bible is also a form of meditation.  Establish a routine. Get up fifteen minutes early, make a hot cup of tea or coffee.  Say a prayer and spend some time in meditation alone.
2. Treat your skin to some pleasure.  Take a hot bath.  Add some Epsom salt to it.  Let your shoulders sink down under the water and just soak for twenty minutes.  Play some soft relaxing music in the bathroom.  If married, rent a hotel room once a month, get away from the house and children and escape with your wife for a night of uninterrupted romance.  If you are not married, get an hour-long full body massage once a month.
3. Balance out negativity with positive things.  Avoid negative TV shows or the news if it upsets you.  Listen to uplifting music, talk to friends with positive attitudes, read self-help books or listen to them as an audio book.
4.  Balance out the time you spend at work with social time.  If your church doesn’t have a lot of socials, ask some friends from church to do social things with you.  If you have a family, do activities with other families.  Play basketball at the park.  Go to the zoo, Hike in a nature park.  Get together and play a board game.  Cook a healthy meal together and watch a wholesome movie.
5. Avoid self-pity.  When tempted to feel sorry for yourself, look for someone worse and help them.  Visit a nursing home and make a friend with someone who never gets visitors.  Volunteer at the Salvation Army.  Ask your pastor if there is anyone sick and stuck at home that needs a visitor.

Life may not turn out the way we want it to even if we do all the right things.  Each person naturally seems to want to control their lives.  Many try to achieve control by playing by the rules and doing things the way society and their faith teaches.  However even when we follow the “rules” life can still throw us a curve ball.  Life is full of too many variables for anyone to be able to control their destiny.  There are just too many things we cannot control and very few things we can control.

“Look inside yourself and you will find wisdom,” are words often repeated in movies and by some well-intentioned people.  But is there really wisdom inside of us?  Or is the source of wisdom outside of us?  And what is wisdom?  The Biblical meaning of the word wisdom is a spiritual experience with the true God.  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:7).  This spiritual experience cannot come from within us because God created man – not the other way around.  Wisdom, in the Biblical sense, is more than just knowledge.  Wisdom comes as we experience the true God in our lives.  That happens as we trust Him by living obedient lives.  Let’s paraphrase the verse quoted above.  The fear of the Lord, or acceptance of the true God, is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise the spiritual experience (wisdom) gained by following His instruction.

It is interesting that Solomon personifies wisdom in Proverbs 8.  Solomon lists six traits of wisdom that are also traits of Christ.  In verse 35 he wrote that wisdom is the giver of life.  Speaking of Christ, the Apostle John wrote, “Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made.”  In Proverbs 8:15 it says that wisdom grants kings their power.  There are many places in the Bible where it is stated God sets up kings and brings them down.  Jesus Himself said that to Pilate.  In verse 17 Solomon says wisdom is sought after.  Of course, God too is sought after so this is yet again another divine trait attributed to wisdom.  In verse 18 wisdom is said to be the source of riches.  In Deuteronomy 8:18 we are told that God is the source of riches.   In verses 27 to 30 Solomon identifies wisdom as being present with God during creation.  That sounds much like what the Apostle John wrote, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”  Then in verse 30 to 32 wisdom communicates with men.  The Apostle Paul, writing to Timothy, wrote, “For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.”  Jesus is the member of the Trinity Who communicates directly with mankind. Just as the Apostle John wrote, “God is love” it seems Solomon, in chapter eight of Proverbs, is writing, “Jesus is wisdom” which would mean to reject Jesus is to reject wisdom.

Solomon presents two paths to the readers of Proverbs.  The first is the path of wisdom.  That is the spiritual experience one gains from submitting to and obeying the true God.  The other path is the path of folly.  Those choosing the path of wisdom are told to forsake folly in Proverbs 9:6.  Folly seeks it own.  Folly leans on its own understanding.  Those following the path of folly are as the Apostle Peter stated “willfully ignorant.”  They flatter themselves with their own knowledge.  The Apostle Paul contrast these two groups in his first letter to the Corinthians.  “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual. The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.  The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one.  ‘For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?’ But we have the mind of Christ.”

I suspect there are a few things that will happen to families during this quarantine.  Some will simply isolate.  The children will hang out in their rooms.  Mom and dad will kill time by watching TV, reading or surfing the web.  The second possibility is that families will fight more.  Cabin fever will run too high.  They will get too irritated and start nit-picking at each other.  We may see a spike in divorces when this comes to an end.  The third possibility is that families will develop stronger bonds.  We will probably even see a little baby boom starting in about nine months and perhaps lasting longer than we suspect.

Let’s first talk about the isolators – those staying in their rooms.  This may be rather common given that schools have gone online and many people are working from home.  This puts individuals in their bedrooms or private spaces with a computer and it is easy just to stay there.  One way to get the family together is meal time.  One option is to make it nice.  Without a daily commute, many people working from home will have more time.  Use the China and nice silverware.  Put the refreshments in a pitcher, use the butter dish and sugar bowl.  Set the table nice.  Create a topic of discussion for the dinner. It may start out a little stiff at first but give it a chance and let things develop.  Table games are another way to promote interaction and avoid boredom that leads to cabin fever.  Table games are much better than video games or movies.  They require face-to-face interaction which teaches how to read body language and improves social skills.  Table games are known to deepen interpersonal relationships and develop trust.

Now let’s consider those prone to getting irritable.  Illness and lack of sleep are both known causes of irritability.  If someone gets sick, the rest of the family needs to be super understanding and patient with them.  Everyone should try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night.  If someone is sick, they should be getting more.  Tending to a sick person can be bonding.  So this can turn the irritability challenge on its head. Instead of getting upset with someone who is sick, try to go above and beyond to be nice and put up with their bad attitude.  Avoid caffeine.  Caffeine is known to make people more irritable.  Instead of drinking caffeine, try to find some quiet time to read a book, listen to music, mediate or exercise.  If you feel yourself getting upset, count to ten and step out of the room to cool down.  Talk to other members of the family and agree to a sign.  If someone feels that things are getting too tense, giving the sign (like holding up two fingers) is a plea to take a cool-down break. Instead of lashing out and reacting to something that is perceived to be inappropriate, one can simply give the sign and let things cool down.

The third option is the most attractive.  An article published by the British Psychological Society in 2015 discussed research that had shown “strong social bonds can act as a beneficial psychological resource, especially in times of need.” The coronavirus quarantine is a time when these family bonds can be beneficial in reducing the anxiety that many people are feeling.  Family activities are not simply limited to eating and playing games together.  Cooking the meal is an interactive and enjoyable experience that families miss out on when they go to a restaurant.  Finding recipes online, getting ingredients out of the cabinets, mixing, measuring and experimenting is all part of cooking and baking that provides bonding for family members.  Interactive reading is also a bonding activity.  The family can sit together around the table or in the living room and read outload from a book.  Each member reads a page and passes it to the next family member.  Those that are religious may read passages from the Bible and even pause to discuss them.  Interactive prayer is also done as a group.  This involves members either kneeling together or sitting in a circle and holding hands while each one takes a turn saying a short prayer outload.  For many families, this quarantine maybe a blessing in disguise that strengthens bonds that will last for years.  Fifty years from now some siblings may find themselves together at Christmas or Thanksgiving, remembering back to this time and the love they felt at home.

     I recall listening to a sermon in a Spanish-speaking church while in college in which the pastor cautioned married couples to avoid watching pornography together.  This was in the 1990s.  The internet had just been invented which allowed pornography to be easily accessible without going into an adult bookstore.  In the years that followed, pornography producers started marketing “instructional” videos targeting married couples.  Curiosity, and believing that such videos are harmless, has resulted in many Christian couples viewing these together.  Was the Spanish-speaking pastor right to warn couples against this or are these videos a harmless way to enhance the sexual life of a married couple?  How does pornography impact a marriage?

     Aaron Frutos and Ray Merrill published a scientific article in Sexuality and Culture in 2017 that “In a study of 1,291 unmarried individuals in romantic relationships, couples that never viewed pornography had higher relationship quality than those that viewed pornography alone. Those who viewed pornography together had a higher level of dedication and sexual satisfaction than those who viewed pornography separately. Those who viewed pornography together compared with those who never viewed it differed only in that never viewers had lower rates of infidelity.” [emphasis added]  This study shows something alarming for couples that view pornography together.  When viewed together, the pornography does not diminish the marital quality.  Couples that viewed pornography together enjoyed the same quality relationship level as couples which neither partner ever viewed pornography at all but the difference was that infidelity was higher with those couples watching pornography together.  The pornography did not seem to damage the relationship on the surface so there were no red flags to alert the couple of a coming crisis.  Yet it led to infidelity of at least one of the partners.

     Samuel Perry published a scientific article on pornography and marriage in a 2018 issue of the scientific journal Personal Relationships. He wrote, “While there is general consensus that pornography use — as it is most commonly practiced — tends to be negatively correlated with relationship quality, there is far less consensus regarding the primary mechanisms at work in this association. The most popular theory suggests that viewing pornography can influence relationship quality by shaping viewers’ ‘sexual scripts’ about sexual relationships, intimacy, and body image. To the extent that viewers internalize these scripts or messages, they may be less satisfied with their actual romantic relationships in terms of sexual quality and/or physical appearance…

     These authors theorize that for Americans embedded in moral communities that oppose pornography use, viewing pornography has greater ‘psychic costs’ and thus affects the religious more strongly… Snawder (2017) also demonstrated that the negative associations between pornography use and measures of parent–child relationship quality were stronger for more frequent worship attendees. This latter finding suggests that parental distress or withdrawal due to moral incongruence is the more likely factor… What their findings imply is that Americans who violate their own moral convictions by using pornography are more likely to experience moral incongruence, which may lead them to withdraw from intimate relationships or otherwise be less invested…

     Viewing pornography at all predicts lower levels of marital quality over time and this relation is not significantly moderated by whether married Americans are violating their moral views by using it. This would suggest that the primary issue is not whether pornography users are experiencing moral incongruence thereby negatively affecting their marriage, but the other factors that are attendant to pornography use that could include negatively influencing viewers’ sexual scripts or creating tension in the relationship around one partner’s private pornography use…  It was not possible [in this study] to see whether married participants were viewing pornography alone or with their partner… The moderating effect of moral incongruence would likely look different (or be nonexistent) among couples who view sexually explicit material together as opposed to one partner viewing it alone.” [emphasis added]

     The study done by Frutos and Merrill found that couples viewing pornography together did not diminish marital quality.  However it did not look at the role moral convictions may play.  Perry’s study focused on the role moral convictions play but did not look at couples viewing pornography together.  Many couples using pornography together do not perceive any harm from it.  In the short-term, it provides a little spark which they perceive as a benefit, thus they continue to use it. However given the information we have from the scientific studies, the perceived benefit is simply an illusion.  It is also possible that while one spouse feels a benefit, the other feels a diminished quality in the marriage due to moral incongruence.

     One point that is noteworthy is that no studies have ever shown that pornography enhances a relationship long term.  In 2013 Spencer B. Olmstead released a scientific article that reported over 70% of men and 45% of women in college said they would watch pornography with their partner. Only 22% of men and 26% of women felt pornography had no place in a relationship.  In a scientific article published by Amanda Maddox in 2011 she reported nearly 45% of couples claimed to view pornography together.  She “found that people who didn’t view any porn had lower levels of negative communication, were more committed to the relationship, and had higher sexual satisfaction and relationship adjustment. Their rate of infidelity was at least half of those who had watched sexual material alone and with their partners. But people who only watched porn with their partners were more dedicated to the relationship and more sexually satisfied than those who watched alone.”  Couples watching porn together is common and not as harmful as when just one of the spouses watches it alone by him or herself.  However no study has shown a long-term benefit to the relationship. The preacher was right.  Couples should avoid pornography completely.

As a Christian, I have always heard of the benefit of meditating on God’s Word. This is an active meditation that includes contemplation of the Scriptures and prayer. I have also been warned about the dangers of Eastern meditation, which is basically am emptying of the mind, a turning off of the thoughts, and is considered a form of self hypnosis, and therefore dangerous for a Christian to engage in.

However, there is a third form of meditation, often called mindfulness. As I understand it, it is mindfully focusing on one thing at a time, as opposed to multitasking. Perhaps that is eating a meal, exercising (it’s hard to think of anything else while exercising, unless the intensity is extremely low), or just about any task. This could include deep breathing exercises, listening to music, etc.

So I have heard well-meaning Christians shying away from mindfulness because they think it is a form of Eastern meditation. However, I am beginning to think that this is a misconception. First, it is based on the understanding that Eastern Meditation also focuses on the breath. However, even the most adamant opponents of EM would agree that daily deep breathing exercises are a good daily practice. The difference is that one is done with the intention of clearing the thoughts, while the other is done with the intention of breathing deep. I would challenge you to try to do deep breathing exercises while doing anything else that requires any kind of focus (reading, cooking, etc). You can’t do it. As soon as you begin to focus on the other task, your breath returns to normal.

And what is wrong with focusing on one thing at a time? Nothing. Multitasking is overrated. Eating mindfully would be focusing on the food and flavors and the sensation of fullness or hunger. Nothing wrong with this. In fact, far from clearing the mind, of being thought-less, it is thought-full, actively engaging the frontal lobe and critical thinking skills (Do I need more? Have I had enough?). I would just call this mindfulness, not meditation, but some people like the word meditation (usually not the conservative Christians I’ve referred to).

The point of all this is that if you are inclined to avoid something because of the label it is given, because the label is similar to something you know to be dangerous, make sure you’re judging the thing for its own value and not for the label it has and the ideas you have of the label.

In this definition, all intense exercise is meditative, because there’s hardly any way you can do anything except focus on the exercise. You can’t do math; there’s not enough glucose available. If you try, your intensity will drop. You can’t plan the rest of your day. All you can do is focus on the next rep, the next jump, the next pull, the next step. That’s mindfulness by default; you don’t have a choice. But what if you spent more time being mindful in other areas? How about in spending time with your kids? Mindfulness would be putting the phone down when your kids talk to you. Mindfulness would be playing a game after the chores are done and there’s nothing to distract you. Mindfulness would be family worship with everyone attentive and participating.

Author: Lisa Reynoso

https://www.facebook.com/LisaReynosoBiz/

There is a strange teaching out there that the God of the Old Testament is an angry, critical God while the God of the New Testament is a loving and redeeming God.  Yet in both the Old Testament (Malachi 3:6) and the New Testament (Hebrews 13:8) we find that God does not change but is the same now as He always has been and always will be.

The wars of ancient Israel cause many to question how the God of the Old Testament can be considered a loving God.  One must first understand that war was never God’s plan.  God did promise the land of Palestine or present-day Israel to the decedents of Abraham however the fact that many Egyptians left Egypt with the Hebrews (Exodus 12:38) tells us the land was not just for Abraham’s biological decedents but for believers in the true God.  Tales of the Hebrews certainly went before them.  The people of Palestine certainly received the news of the plagues of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea and destruction of the Pharaoh with his army.  Just as Egyptians were welcome to join the Hebrews when they left Egypt, those that inhabited the land of Palestine could embrace the faith of Abraham and make their home with them.  God’s purpose was not to wage war against the inhabitants in military fashion.  God’s plan was to drive them out with hornets (Exodus 23:28)  The reason the Hebrews had to fight military battles to take the land was due to their lack of faith.  When we, as people, doubt God, we often make our battles much more difficult than what God had intended.

A man who apologizes when he is wrong finds it much easier to forgive those who wrong him. Pride prevents many men from seeing their errors. Thus they rarely apologize and struggle to forgive others. So it is that self-righteousness, the same defect of character that prevents a man from seeing his own errors, binds him to the resentments that do not serve him well.